Hoinky, Berine, Nudey..wtf?!

Well, I am two months in to being a mother of two and a stay at home mom.  Things are going pretty well considering that we are living in temporary housing and just moved to a new city where we don’t know anyone.  Marlo is wonderful and precious.  She’s the easy one.  Liam, on the other hand, has been my challenge.

                I love my little boy dearly.  He is a sweetheart, but he is going through a lot right now – new sister, new school, and a new home.  We gave him three large life changes all at the same time…poor guy.  He probably doesn’t know what hit him.   I knew there would be some regression with his behavior with so many changes.  For instance, he’s completely potty trained at school, but at home it’s a struggle to get him to use the bathroom.  And at home he usually wants his diapers on…he wants to be treated like the baby again.  This I was prepared for.  

                Despite the reading I did and parents I asked for advice from before Marlo was born, nothing prepared me for the bizarre vocabulary and name calling Liam started using.  He first started to call Marlo “Nudey” (as in a name, proper noun usage).  Then he started to use it as a verb, as in “I want to nudey her.”  And this always means he’s about to do something annoying like shake her bouncy seat or throw a toy at her.   Then he started to make up other words: hoinky, berine, gigi??  Wtf?!  What do these words even mean?  Nothing…absolutely nothing.  But they indicate that his behavior is about to take a turn for the worse when he uses them.   If it only happened a couple times a day I wouldn’t be that alarmed by it, but Liam intends to “nudey” something at least 20 times a day. 

                As if these annoying words weren’t enough, somehow he learned the F-word.  Yep, that’s right.  Liam has been dropping F-bombs.  And he totally gets it and how it’s used.  Last week we were driving to school and I said, “Oh no, we forgot to brush your teeth this morning.”  Liam’s response, “Oh f_ck.”  He spills something.  His response, “Oh f_ck.”  Of course we correct him and explain to him that it is a very bad word and he can’t use it, but the seed has been planted.  There is no ridding him of it now.  I am pretty sure he picked it up at Marlo’s baby naming ceremony.  Liam was around a ton of adults that day and he started using the word the next day after the celebration.  I hate to be that person who is correcting other adults and asking people to watch their language around my kid, but it’s come to that.  It really bothers me when an adult swears in front of Liam.  I know that it’s never done purposefully and it’s hard to restrict your language unless you are used to it because you have kids.   But it’s really tough when your two year old is using profanities.  Ultimately, Liam’s language is a reflection of his home and his parents. (Ugh...nothing makes me feel more like a failure….)

                Of course I was afraid that Liam would start name calling at school and dropping F-bombs in front of his teachers so I confessed everything to Miss Jessi at our parent/teacher conference.  The conference was going great, until I started listing the bizarre words that Liam has been using.  I think I started cracking up after “hoinky.”  I mean, I just couldn’t keep a straight face.  Here I was trying to have a professional conversation and I was saying words like “nudey” and “hoinky.”  Thankfully, Liam hasn’t used the F-word at school, but he’s got quite the following with his use of “nudey.”  Apparently, there’s a crew of kids in the class using the word now…great.  Sigh.

Any other parents out there with kids using bad words or name calling? Advice?

Marlo Marie Friedman's Birth Story

Ever since giving birth to my son, I’ve been curious to hear other women’s birth stories.  I suppose it is like soldiers telling war stories.  There is a need for camaraderie from other women who’ve been through the laborious process.  You don’t really get how incredible birth is until you experience it.  And each birth story is so unique that I always learn something new each time I hear one.  So, for those who are genuinely curious or for those who are into sci-fi (what’s more surreal than one human being emerging from another?), here is the birth story of my beautiful daughter, Marlo Marie Friedman, born January 21, 2012.

                I was scheduled to be induced on Friday, January 20^th.  My OBGYN, the great and very magical Dr. David Finke, believed that I’d have the best chance of not having  repeat c-section if I gave birth a few days before my actual due date.  The day was pretty mellow although I knew I was feeling different.  I was pretty sure I had started labor late Thursday night.  I was feeling very mild contractions and just general discomfort all day.  The induction wasn’t scheduled until 10 pm so Joe and I got dinner with Liam and put him to bed before we left for the Cedars.  

                After being hooked up to the contraction monitor, I found out that I was having contractions about every 6 minutes.  I was thrilled to hear this because that meant that baby was ready to come on out despite the scheduled induction.  Dr. Finke arrived to put the foley balloon in me.  This would get me more dilated, but there is no use of drugs or medication so it’s very safe for baby and mom.  Let me just say, “Ouch!”  I’ll spare you the details; anyone who really wants to know more can Google it – not pretty and not comfortable.  The foley balloon did its job quickly and I was having contractions every 3 minutes and was 4 centimeters dilated by 7 am on Saturday.  At this point my contractions slowed down a bit so my nurse gave me a little pitocin to keep the contractions regular.

                Things were going great!  Joe and I were working through the contractions.  I was in complete control.  I had to be hooked up to the fetal monitor because of my prior c-section and wanted to be put on remote monitoring.  Cedars has remote monitoring which means mothers can be monitored but still walk around the maternity floor.  Basically, it allows for more mobility.  Unfortunately, all the remote monitors were broken, so I had to be pretty creative with the 3 feet of walking room around my hospital bed.  Carly, my nurse, was a rock star.  She was supportive of me having a natural birth and said that I was progressing so well that there was certainly no need for a repeat c-section and that I could make it through labor naturally without pain meds or an epidural if I wanted.  Carly even brought in a midwife to assist since we were planning for the natural birth.  

                By far, the best part of labor was having a 30 minute hot bath. By the time I went into the bath I was about 7 centimeters and was not feeling so hot.  The water was incredible.  My pain went from a level 9 to a level 4 is minutes.  I swear I could have stayed in that bath all day.

                My labor started to drastically change after reaching 7 centimeters.  I was no longer progressing.  I stayed at 7 centimeters for 5 hours!  Amy, our mid-wife, and Dr. Finke confirmed that Marlo’s head was lodged in a position that was no allowing her to move down the birth canal fully; thus, I was no longer dilating.  After so many hours of not progressing, Marlo was showing signs of distress.  So my doctor said that we would have to go in for another c-section.  Joe and I were quite surprised since everything had been going so well with the labor and Carly assured us that we were out of the woods in regards to surgery.  Dr. Finke was even surprised, but 5 hours with no progress at 7 centimeters and signs of distress were very clear signs pointing towards c-section.  I was less disappointed than I had thought I would be since I knew going into this birth that there was always a chance of having another c-section.  I didn’t want that type of birth, but ultimately, I wanted a healthy baby.

                Dr. Finke said he would be back for surgery in an hour.  In that hour we prepared.  I got an epidural and Joe packed up all the bags in our room.  When Dr. Finke came back, before we signed on the dotted lines for the c-section, he checked me again to see if Marlo’s head had turned (just in case a miracle had occurred).  The expression on his face was priceless – a look of curiosity to a look of amazement.  Marlo had turned!  And I was at 9 centimeters!  Dr. Finke didn’t want to wait any longer so he told me to start pushing.  Just like that!  Joe and weren’t even prepared!  I couldn’t believe I was being told to push when I thought I was being wheeled back in to surgery!  I’ve never been that more physically determined in my entire life.  With each push I knew I would meet my little girl and it was thrilling.  I got to touch her head as it crowned – such an incredible feeling – highly recommend it for other birthing moms out there!  And when I first set eyes on her I was immediately in love.  I remember when I first saw Liam and I knew that it was truly love at first sight.  It was the same with Marlo.  I remember being little and hearing about love at first sight, but never being told that love at first sight only happens when you see your child for the first time.   She was perfect; she is perfect.

                I love my husband dearly, but I could not have made it through those 22 hours of labor without my nurse Carly, our mid-wife Amy, and Dr. Finke.  Several of the nurses told me that I was lucky to have Dr. Finke because most doctors would not have let me labor that long with no progress and would not have let me push at 9 centimeters.  So, yes, Dr, Finke is magical and I am completely grateful that he gave Marlo her time to tell her birth story.

               

                  

Say what you will - I'm bringing home baby and my placenta!

It is less than a week before Baby Friedman’s induction and I am getting all last minute chores done and trying to get focused on this birth.  I admit that my plan to meditate frequently went out the window after Joe accepted his new job offer, and we started to plan for a job change, a move to Newport Beach, and a new baby all in the same month.  Needless to say, we’ve got a lot on our plates.

                This weekend I made a few bold choices about Baby Friedman’s birth.  First, Joe and I decided we are going to bank the baby’s cord blood.  Joe lost his sister, Molly, when she was only 13 years old to an undiagnosed illness, and I lost my father and my stepfather to leukemia.  We have both experienced loss in a very intimate way.  Hopefully, we will never have to use the baby’s cord blood, and if we ever do, there is no guarantee that the cord blood can be used to cure the illness.  Regardless, we both believe that is it is worth the investment.  

                Secondly, I decided to have my placenta encapsulated.  The first time I heard about this process, I thought it was way too hippie and new-agey for me.  But after speaking with several moms about their experiences with it, I was sold.  The moms I spoke with reported having TONS of energy, an abundance of milk, very little postpartum bleeding, and no postpartum depression.  I never had postpartum depression with Liam, but I was exhausted during those first two months after birth.  And I can only imagine how much more tired I will be now that I have a toddler to chase after in addition to attending to Baby Friedman.  The way I see it, is that there is no harm in trying it.  Worst case scenario – it’s total BS and a bit of money was wasted.  Best case scenario, it does all that it’s advertised to do and I am thankful beyond belief.  Besides, most Eutherian mammals eat their placentas after giving birth.  Humans are among the small minority of Eutherian mammals that don’t eat their placentas.  Granted, most mammals give birth in the wilderness and must clean up all remains of afterbirth so predators don’t come after their young.   But there has to be something said for digesting the baby’s gestational life source.  The placenta is an incredible organ; why waste it?

                I’ll be sure to blog about my experience with taking my placenta supplements!  For those who think I am nuts, say what you will.  I am over feeling pressure from others about what to do during birth and how to raise my children.  Nowadays, there is criticism and controversy over every aspect of pregnancy, birth, and child rearing.   I’ve learned to be confident about what works best for my family.  I still love to listen to other moms and what works for them, but I no longer feel ashamed or like a failure if I’m not following the crowd’s trend. 

Welcome 2012!

                Happy New Year to all! This year is going to be so full of new changes that I’ve set aside the desire to establish any resolutions that will be too difficult to uphold.  Am I giving myself the easy way out? Or is it just that I am so pregnant that anything that uses a substantial amount of energy makes me turn the other direction?  Both are likely possibilities, and due to lack of blood flowing to my brain currently, I think it’s best that I keep my resolution simple and broad: to keep my family happy and healthy!

              As of next Friday, I will officially be a “Stay at Home Mom.”  My new job description is pretty much to fulfill my resolution to my best potential.  I am looking forward to this opportunity, but with this new life change comes plenty of adjustments and a steep learning curve.  Although I have been a mom for two and a half years, I have never been a full-time mom.  I have always had my profession and I identify as being both a mother and a working professional – this will change.  

                But before I can really start to think about how I can be the best full-time mommy I can be, I need to deliver Baby Friedman.  I’m pretty much putting any planning for my future role on hold for the next two weeks until the little lady arrives.  Last week I had my 37 week appointment with my OBGYN.  Yahoo! I am full term and baby is looking great!  Despite my problem-free pregnancy and that baby is thriving, my OBGYN is going to induce my on Friday, January 20^th if I do not go into labor before then.  After consulting with his colleague, who is a specialist with high risk pregnancies and is known as the guru of preeclampsia in Los Angeles, he told me that the baby needs to be delivered before 40 weeks.  Liam’s pregnancy ended with tons of complications and the birth was stressful to say the least. The list of issues that came up was surprising since I am healthy and young.  My doctor wants me to deliver naturally and not have to go through another c-section and he says my best chances for a smooth delivery is get baby out before my due date.

                At first, I was a bit disappointed that the birth was going to be scheduled.  I really want this birth to be as natural as possible.  Of course there is always the chance that I go in to labor before the induction and that would be great.  But after thinking about the situation for a couple of days, I’ve accepted that an induction is very possible and even another c-section is still possible.  There are many women who’ve had successful inductions that have led to incredible birth stories.  There are also many women who hated their induction experience and wish they were firmer with their decision to wait it out.  I guess it boils down to two things for me: 1.) I just want Baby Friedman to be healthy (in the end, the way she gets here is irrelevant) and 2.) I don’t have the balls to assert my desires over my OBGYN’s medical suggestions.  I didn’t go to medical school.  I have to trust that my doctor is making the safe and correct decisions for my child and me. 

                I remember being completely unprepared for Liam’s c-section.  I skipped that part of the baby book reading.  I thought that I would never have a c-section.  Silly me.  I thought c-sections were for women who had more problems during their pregnancy and that a young, healthy woman would never be a c-section candidate.   I now know better.  And I now know that it is important to be flexible and accommodating during birth.  Learning I’d most likely be induced was a bit of a surprise, but it might not be the last surprise of Baby Friedman’s birth story.  

                Baby Friedman’s birth will be my first test to see how well I can uphold my New Year’s resolution.  I am ready for the challenge.  I’ve got my birthing game face on.  The car seat is installed.  Bags are packed (well, almost).  Liam has been asking to see his baby sister.  Last thing to do - have my wonderful husband do some baby and labor reading cram sessions since he’s been slacking.

"Sat Nam" - Truth is My Identity

My wonderful girl friend, who is also pregnant, told me about Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful, a book by Gurmukh, a well known yogi who is considered an expert in pre/postnatal yoga.  I got the book this week and couldn’t put it down.  It was so rewarding to read Gurmukh’s message.  

                Once I hit the six months mark in this pregnancy, I started wishing my pregnancy away – not Baby Friedman, I can’t wait to meet her – but I have been complaining about how “over” being pregnant I am.  Gurmukh reminds her readers to slow down and to enjoy every minute of the pregnancy.  She emphasizes that in pregnancy “Your definition of self changes from “I” to “we.”  To have a child is to undergo transformation.”  Baby Friedman and I are making this transformation together and I have to give us the full amount of designated time to do this, and I need to cherish it because it is such an honor to receive this gift of motherhood.  Furthermore, she discusses how “Just as within the yogic tradition, the Jewish Kabbalists teach that our souls choose our parents, because only particular parents can teach a particular soul what it has to learn in this lifetime.”  I love the idea that baby Friedman has chosen me and she is not some random happening of science.  And this time when are bodies are one is the closest our souls will ever be so I might as well enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and give our souls some mingling time! 

                At the end of each chapter, Gurmukh suggests a mediation to practice with a particular focus.  She teaches through each mediation to use the mantra “Sat Nam” while breathing. “Sat” on the inhale and “Nam” on the exhale.  The “Sat Nam” mantra translates to truth is my identity. These meditations and breathing techniques can be used during labor.  I respect the importance of keeping true to one’s self during the labor process.  I had a cesarian with Liam and am trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian) with baby Friedman.  But I am fully aware that depending on what goes on at the end of the pregnancy and during labor can change my plans, and I might being going under the knife again for baby number two.  Or I might be able to make it through hours of natural labor and feel too exhausted to continue and need an epidural.  I am not going to beat myself up over anything.  Or feel like I didn’t get the experience I wanted because a change in plans occurred.  I believe that as long as I stay true to myself and listen to my body and the baby then I will bring this soul into the world healthy and happy.  Gurmukh reminds her readers that every baby is the author of her birth.  I will let baby Friedman write her birth story. 

                Gurmukh also suggests a sacred space, such as an altar, be set up to practice these meditations.  To be honest, I have never seriously meditated and certainly haven’t tried to set up my own sacred space to do so, but, again, I love this idea!  Why not have a baby Friedman shrine as I am mentally preparing to go through the trials of labor?  So, last night I purchased a small gold painted statue of Buddha and an ornate candle votive for my shrine.  I am also going to frame one of my ultrasound photographs to be place on the shrine.  I am still in need of some pretty or sentimental fabric to cover the shrine.  

                I even shared with Joe some of the meditations that are suggested for couples to do – both Joe and I had a good laugh at this.  Anyone who knows Joe knows he is far from the meditation type of guy.  You never know though…he might see my shrine and want to partake!   

The Giving Tree

Last year, when I was studying and preparing to convert to Judaism, our class instructor, Rabbi Gotlieb, went on a tangent about the children’s book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.  I don’t remember how the tangent got started, but the discussion left quite an impression on me.  Rabbi Gotlieb said he absolutely hated the book because the little boy is so selfish and keeps taking from the tree, and the tree keeps getting used and duped by the boy.  He said that if the tree was a real person, and this was an authentic human to human relationship, the tree would end up hating the boy by the time the boy returns to the tree as an old man and uses the stump of the tree to rest his weary and aging body.

                I gave the rabbi’s thoughts some serious consideration.  I’ve always had fond memories of The Giving Tree.  It is a children’s literature classic – who doesn’t have a great memory of their kindergarten teacher reading it during story time on the reading rug?  But the rabbi had a point – if this was a human relationship, would the tree hate the boy?  Was the little boy just a spoiled, selfish little brat who just took and took from the tree?

So, this morning, on Thanksgiving Day, I pulled the book from Liam’s bookshelf, and I reread The Giving Tree.  And I’ve come up with two different interpretations that challenge the wise rabbi.  One: the tree represents motherhood.  Although Silverstein keeps the tree gender neutral, the tree gives of her entire body.  And this is motherhood.  I think this is exaggerated in motherhood right after baby is born, especially if mother is breastfeeding, but it extends past that first year.  (Or if you’re like my husband and you were breastfed until age three, then past the toddler years!)  The tree gives the boy love, companionship, branches to swing from, apples to eat and sell, wood to build his home, and finally a stump to rest upon.  The tree loves the boy unconditionally and not only shows this through being selfless and giving, but shows this through always being there for the boy.  The tree is a constant in the boy’s life.  Sometimes it is years before the boy returns to the tree, but the tree is still there and welcoming.  I suppose this is what motherhood is like when children become young adults and leave home.  They won’t come home every night, and depending on where they live, they may only come home once a year, but as mothers (and parents) we are expected to accept this growth and continue to be welcoming.  And Silverstein does not leave the tree without feelings.  After the boy grows older and doesn’t visit the tree much, the tree is lonely.  Her true happiness is when the boy returns.

Two: the tee is a hyperbolized character in literature who exemplifies the ultimate being of giving.  Often in literature, character traits are exaggerated.  There are classic archetypes in literature: prince charming, the wicked step-mother, the evil villain who loses in the end, the boy/girl who goes from rags to riches from good deeds, etc.  No one reads about these characters and expects them to represent authentic human beings because their lives and circumstances are so extreme that they are beyond reality.  We learn from these characters easily since their motivations are so transparent.  The tree loves the boy unconditionally and continuously gives without regret or an expectation of a return.   

In her book on writing, Bird by Bird, Ann Lamott writes: “We like certain characters because they are good or decent – they internalize some decency in the world that makes them able to take a risk or make a sacrifice for someone else.  They let us see that there is in fact some sort of moral compass still at work here, and that we, too, could travel by this compass if we so choose.”  The tree is this moral compass pointing us in the direction of giving without wanting.  Not many of us can say we give like the tree, but reading The Giving Tree is a reminder that decency is still alive and we can choose to give to others – the choice is ours. 

So, Rabbi Gotlieb and all others who think the tree a weak character, consider the tree as a moral compass – not as a representation of an actual person.  And I don’t think the boy needs to be analyzed much in the story – the tree is the character who teaches us about life and being a better person.  I’m sure no one would argue with me saying that the world would be a better place if we all gave a little more to those in need – if we all had a little more of the giving tree within us.  Happy Thanksgiving!