New Kids on the Block!

Of course our move in date had to be on Easter Sunday and our entire block was dressed in their Sunday best and mingling on their front lawns when our U-Haul rolled up.   All eyes were on us.  Everyone knew we were the new kids on the block.  I was following Joe in my Prius and over heard two ladies across the street chatting.  Lady #1: “Is it just a couple moving in?”  Lady #2: “I heard they have three kids.”

By far, this was one of the strangest experiences of my life.  It was like something out of a movie.  Throughout the afternoon several families from the block came over to introduce themselves.  They were all friendly and welcoming. 

The following day one of the kids from across the street asked Liam if he wanted to come out to play.  (It is pretty darn cute – all the neighborhood kids meet from about 4-6 each day and play outside on a grassy knoll area that links our street with another street.)  Liam was a bit intimidated, but he eventually gave in.  He ended up having a great time!  And I got to chat it up with several of the moms.  Whew!  I need to have my A-Game on when I am with the other moms!

I suggested to Liam that we get his tricycle out from the garage and another mom told her kids to get their bikes as well.  Of course, she reminded them to get their helmets.  Liam looked up and me and said, “Mom, I want a helmet.”  Yikes!!!!! I realize Liam has no helmet.   Panic!!!!! I don’t want to be looked down upon or given the scarlet letter for the “unsafe parent.”  Quickly, I come up with a perfect white lie.  “Liam, your helmet is still in storage someplace.  You’ll just have to be extra careful today.”   Brilliant.

And of course, the other moms introduce me to their children as Mrs. Friedman.  Jeez!  I mean, I love the manners and I’m all about teaching my son how to be courteous, but I only remember referring to adults as Mr. and Mrs. if they were my teachers.  But, I am the newbie on the block so I’m going to abide by the established rules.  Mrs. Friedman it is kiddos.

Difficult Conversations

I have been somewhat dreading the conversation with Liam where I explain to him that Joe isn’t his birth father.  There are many reasons why this conversation makes me uncomfortable.  First of all, Joe is Liam’s only daddy.  Liam has no contact with his birth father so Joe is daddy in every way with the exception that they do not share DNA.  But I know that Liam needs to know the truth.  It’s not right to make up lies or be dishonest with someone about something this important.  What if Liam’s father were to pop back into our lives?  Or we may need to contact his father for medical information.  We are currently in the process of having Joe adopt Liam, but this could take awhile.  And I know that my window for explaining the situation to Liam is open now.  

A few weeks ago, on a flight I was taking out to New York City, I sat next to a gentleman who told me about the day he found out that his brother was actually his half-brother.  His brother was quite some years older and it was his wedding day.  His mother pulled him aside and explained to him that his brother would be called by a different last name in the ceremony because he has a different father.  The gentleman said that he was truly hurt by this since he always thought they had the same parents.  He was about 7 years old.  I, too, have a half-brother.  But I never remember being told that we had different fathers.  It was just something that I always knew.   And my brother’s father lived in another state and he didn’t visit much.  So, I must have been told at some point (most likely I was retold at various times).  But I don’t remember being told, and I’ve never had any issues with my brother being my half-brother.  To me he is as much my brother as my other brother who is my full sibling.

I don’t want Liam to remember being told that Joe isn’t his birth father.  I just want it to be something that he has always known.  

So the other day, Liam and I were playing with Marlo.  He asked me if she came out of my tummy.  I said yes (no need to get too detailed here!)  I thought this was a good lead-in to the conversation I have been dreading.  I told Liam that he came out of my tummy, too, and that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby.  I told him that mommy and daddy made Marlo, but mommy and a different man made him.  He got a very concerned look on his face and said, “Mommy, I don’t want a new daddy.”  Immediately, I said that he wasn’t going to get a new daddy and that Joey is his daddy and will always be his daddy, but a different man made him.  He was silent for a moment – either in deep thought or deep confusion (most likely the later.)  He broke his silence with picking up a toy and asking me to play with him.

I know that I will have to make references to this conversation many times in order for the information to settle in and not be forgotten.  I have to admit, though, I hate it.  Liam and Joe love each other so much.  And Joe has been daddy since Liam was about 4 months old.  I wish I could magically make Joe Liam’s birth father.  It would be different if Liam’s birth father was in the picture because then I could explain that he has two daddies.  But Liam doesn’t have two daddies – he has one.

Ugh…tough conversations.  Suggestions?   Words of encouragement?

Hoinky, Berine, Nudey..wtf?!

Well, I am two months in to being a mother of two and a stay at home mom.  Things are going pretty well considering that we are living in temporary housing and just moved to a new city where we don’t know anyone.  Marlo is wonderful and precious.  She’s the easy one.  Liam, on the other hand, has been my challenge.

                I love my little boy dearly.  He is a sweetheart, but he is going through a lot right now – new sister, new school, and a new home.  We gave him three large life changes all at the same time…poor guy.  He probably doesn’t know what hit him.   I knew there would be some regression with his behavior with so many changes.  For instance, he’s completely potty trained at school, but at home it’s a struggle to get him to use the bathroom.  And at home he usually wants his diapers on…he wants to be treated like the baby again.  This I was prepared for.  

                Despite the reading I did and parents I asked for advice from before Marlo was born, nothing prepared me for the bizarre vocabulary and name calling Liam started using.  He first started to call Marlo “Nudey” (as in a name, proper noun usage).  Then he started to use it as a verb, as in “I want to nudey her.”  And this always means he’s about to do something annoying like shake her bouncy seat or throw a toy at her.   Then he started to make up other words: hoinky, berine, gigi??  Wtf?!  What do these words even mean?  Nothing…absolutely nothing.  But they indicate that his behavior is about to take a turn for the worse when he uses them.   If it only happened a couple times a day I wouldn’t be that alarmed by it, but Liam intends to “nudey” something at least 20 times a day. 

                As if these annoying words weren’t enough, somehow he learned the F-word.  Yep, that’s right.  Liam has been dropping F-bombs.  And he totally gets it and how it’s used.  Last week we were driving to school and I said, “Oh no, we forgot to brush your teeth this morning.”  Liam’s response, “Oh f_ck.”  He spills something.  His response, “Oh f_ck.”  Of course we correct him and explain to him that it is a very bad word and he can’t use it, but the seed has been planted.  There is no ridding him of it now.  I am pretty sure he picked it up at Marlo’s baby naming ceremony.  Liam was around a ton of adults that day and he started using the word the next day after the celebration.  I hate to be that person who is correcting other adults and asking people to watch their language around my kid, but it’s come to that.  It really bothers me when an adult swears in front of Liam.  I know that it’s never done purposefully and it’s hard to restrict your language unless you are used to it because you have kids.   But it’s really tough when your two year old is using profanities.  Ultimately, Liam’s language is a reflection of his home and his parents. (Ugh...nothing makes me feel more like a failure….)

                Of course I was afraid that Liam would start name calling at school and dropping F-bombs in front of his teachers so I confessed everything to Miss Jessi at our parent/teacher conference.  The conference was going great, until I started listing the bizarre words that Liam has been using.  I think I started cracking up after “hoinky.”  I mean, I just couldn’t keep a straight face.  Here I was trying to have a professional conversation and I was saying words like “nudey” and “hoinky.”  Thankfully, Liam hasn’t used the F-word at school, but he’s got quite the following with his use of “nudey.”  Apparently, there’s a crew of kids in the class using the word now…great.  Sigh.

Any other parents out there with kids using bad words or name calling? Advice?

Marlo Marie Friedman's Birth Story

Ever since giving birth to my son, I’ve been curious to hear other women’s birth stories.  I suppose it is like soldiers telling war stories.  There is a need for camaraderie from other women who’ve been through the laborious process.  You don’t really get how incredible birth is until you experience it.  And each birth story is so unique that I always learn something new each time I hear one.  So, for those who are genuinely curious or for those who are into sci-fi (what’s more surreal than one human being emerging from another?), here is the birth story of my beautiful daughter, Marlo Marie Friedman, born January 21, 2012.

                I was scheduled to be induced on Friday, January 20^th.  My OBGYN, the great and very magical Dr. David Finke, believed that I’d have the best chance of not having  repeat c-section if I gave birth a few days before my actual due date.  The day was pretty mellow although I knew I was feeling different.  I was pretty sure I had started labor late Thursday night.  I was feeling very mild contractions and just general discomfort all day.  The induction wasn’t scheduled until 10 pm so Joe and I got dinner with Liam and put him to bed before we left for the Cedars.  

                After being hooked up to the contraction monitor, I found out that I was having contractions about every 6 minutes.  I was thrilled to hear this because that meant that baby was ready to come on out despite the scheduled induction.  Dr. Finke arrived to put the foley balloon in me.  This would get me more dilated, but there is no use of drugs or medication so it’s very safe for baby and mom.  Let me just say, “Ouch!”  I’ll spare you the details; anyone who really wants to know more can Google it – not pretty and not comfortable.  The foley balloon did its job quickly and I was having contractions every 3 minutes and was 4 centimeters dilated by 7 am on Saturday.  At this point my contractions slowed down a bit so my nurse gave me a little pitocin to keep the contractions regular.

                Things were going great!  Joe and I were working through the contractions.  I was in complete control.  I had to be hooked up to the fetal monitor because of my prior c-section and wanted to be put on remote monitoring.  Cedars has remote monitoring which means mothers can be monitored but still walk around the maternity floor.  Basically, it allows for more mobility.  Unfortunately, all the remote monitors were broken, so I had to be pretty creative with the 3 feet of walking room around my hospital bed.  Carly, my nurse, was a rock star.  She was supportive of me having a natural birth and said that I was progressing so well that there was certainly no need for a repeat c-section and that I could make it through labor naturally without pain meds or an epidural if I wanted.  Carly even brought in a midwife to assist since we were planning for the natural birth.  

                By far, the best part of labor was having a 30 minute hot bath. By the time I went into the bath I was about 7 centimeters and was not feeling so hot.  The water was incredible.  My pain went from a level 9 to a level 4 is minutes.  I swear I could have stayed in that bath all day.

                My labor started to drastically change after reaching 7 centimeters.  I was no longer progressing.  I stayed at 7 centimeters for 5 hours!  Amy, our mid-wife, and Dr. Finke confirmed that Marlo’s head was lodged in a position that was no allowing her to move down the birth canal fully; thus, I was no longer dilating.  After so many hours of not progressing, Marlo was showing signs of distress.  So my doctor said that we would have to go in for another c-section.  Joe and I were quite surprised since everything had been going so well with the labor and Carly assured us that we were out of the woods in regards to surgery.  Dr. Finke was even surprised, but 5 hours with no progress at 7 centimeters and signs of distress were very clear signs pointing towards c-section.  I was less disappointed than I had thought I would be since I knew going into this birth that there was always a chance of having another c-section.  I didn’t want that type of birth, but ultimately, I wanted a healthy baby.

                Dr. Finke said he would be back for surgery in an hour.  In that hour we prepared.  I got an epidural and Joe packed up all the bags in our room.  When Dr. Finke came back, before we signed on the dotted lines for the c-section, he checked me again to see if Marlo’s head had turned (just in case a miracle had occurred).  The expression on his face was priceless – a look of curiosity to a look of amazement.  Marlo had turned!  And I was at 9 centimeters!  Dr. Finke didn’t want to wait any longer so he told me to start pushing.  Just like that!  Joe and weren’t even prepared!  I couldn’t believe I was being told to push when I thought I was being wheeled back in to surgery!  I’ve never been that more physically determined in my entire life.  With each push I knew I would meet my little girl and it was thrilling.  I got to touch her head as it crowned – such an incredible feeling – highly recommend it for other birthing moms out there!  And when I first set eyes on her I was immediately in love.  I remember when I first saw Liam and I knew that it was truly love at first sight.  It was the same with Marlo.  I remember being little and hearing about love at first sight, but never being told that love at first sight only happens when you see your child for the first time.   She was perfect; she is perfect.

                I love my husband dearly, but I could not have made it through those 22 hours of labor without my nurse Carly, our mid-wife Amy, and Dr. Finke.  Several of the nurses told me that I was lucky to have Dr. Finke because most doctors would not have let me labor that long with no progress and would not have let me push at 9 centimeters.  So, yes, Dr, Finke is magical and I am completely grateful that he gave Marlo her time to tell her birth story.

               

                  

Say what you will - I'm bringing home baby and my placenta!

It is less than a week before Baby Friedman’s induction and I am getting all last minute chores done and trying to get focused on this birth.  I admit that my plan to meditate frequently went out the window after Joe accepted his new job offer, and we started to plan for a job change, a move to Newport Beach, and a new baby all in the same month.  Needless to say, we’ve got a lot on our plates.

                This weekend I made a few bold choices about Baby Friedman’s birth.  First, Joe and I decided we are going to bank the baby’s cord blood.  Joe lost his sister, Molly, when she was only 13 years old to an undiagnosed illness, and I lost my father and my stepfather to leukemia.  We have both experienced loss in a very intimate way.  Hopefully, we will never have to use the baby’s cord blood, and if we ever do, there is no guarantee that the cord blood can be used to cure the illness.  Regardless, we both believe that is it is worth the investment.  

                Secondly, I decided to have my placenta encapsulated.  The first time I heard about this process, I thought it was way too hippie and new-agey for me.  But after speaking with several moms about their experiences with it, I was sold.  The moms I spoke with reported having TONS of energy, an abundance of milk, very little postpartum bleeding, and no postpartum depression.  I never had postpartum depression with Liam, but I was exhausted during those first two months after birth.  And I can only imagine how much more tired I will be now that I have a toddler to chase after in addition to attending to Baby Friedman.  The way I see it, is that there is no harm in trying it.  Worst case scenario – it’s total BS and a bit of money was wasted.  Best case scenario, it does all that it’s advertised to do and I am thankful beyond belief.  Besides, most Eutherian mammals eat their placentas after giving birth.  Humans are among the small minority of Eutherian mammals that don’t eat their placentas.  Granted, most mammals give birth in the wilderness and must clean up all remains of afterbirth so predators don’t come after their young.   But there has to be something said for digesting the baby’s gestational life source.  The placenta is an incredible organ; why waste it?

                I’ll be sure to blog about my experience with taking my placenta supplements!  For those who think I am nuts, say what you will.  I am over feeling pressure from others about what to do during birth and how to raise my children.  Nowadays, there is criticism and controversy over every aspect of pregnancy, birth, and child rearing.   I’ve learned to be confident about what works best for my family.  I still love to listen to other moms and what works for them, but I no longer feel ashamed or like a failure if I’m not following the crowd’s trend. 

Welcome 2012!

                Happy New Year to all! This year is going to be so full of new changes that I’ve set aside the desire to establish any resolutions that will be too difficult to uphold.  Am I giving myself the easy way out? Or is it just that I am so pregnant that anything that uses a substantial amount of energy makes me turn the other direction?  Both are likely possibilities, and due to lack of blood flowing to my brain currently, I think it’s best that I keep my resolution simple and broad: to keep my family happy and healthy!

              As of next Friday, I will officially be a “Stay at Home Mom.”  My new job description is pretty much to fulfill my resolution to my best potential.  I am looking forward to this opportunity, but with this new life change comes plenty of adjustments and a steep learning curve.  Although I have been a mom for two and a half years, I have never been a full-time mom.  I have always had my profession and I identify as being both a mother and a working professional – this will change.  

                But before I can really start to think about how I can be the best full-time mommy I can be, I need to deliver Baby Friedman.  I’m pretty much putting any planning for my future role on hold for the next two weeks until the little lady arrives.  Last week I had my 37 week appointment with my OBGYN.  Yahoo! I am full term and baby is looking great!  Despite my problem-free pregnancy and that baby is thriving, my OBGYN is going to induce my on Friday, January 20^th if I do not go into labor before then.  After consulting with his colleague, who is a specialist with high risk pregnancies and is known as the guru of preeclampsia in Los Angeles, he told me that the baby needs to be delivered before 40 weeks.  Liam’s pregnancy ended with tons of complications and the birth was stressful to say the least. The list of issues that came up was surprising since I am healthy and young.  My doctor wants me to deliver naturally and not have to go through another c-section and he says my best chances for a smooth delivery is get baby out before my due date.

                At first, I was a bit disappointed that the birth was going to be scheduled.  I really want this birth to be as natural as possible.  Of course there is always the chance that I go in to labor before the induction and that would be great.  But after thinking about the situation for a couple of days, I’ve accepted that an induction is very possible and even another c-section is still possible.  There are many women who’ve had successful inductions that have led to incredible birth stories.  There are also many women who hated their induction experience and wish they were firmer with their decision to wait it out.  I guess it boils down to two things for me: 1.) I just want Baby Friedman to be healthy (in the end, the way she gets here is irrelevant) and 2.) I don’t have the balls to assert my desires over my OBGYN’s medical suggestions.  I didn’t go to medical school.  I have to trust that my doctor is making the safe and correct decisions for my child and me. 

                I remember being completely unprepared for Liam’s c-section.  I skipped that part of the baby book reading.  I thought that I would never have a c-section.  Silly me.  I thought c-sections were for women who had more problems during their pregnancy and that a young, healthy woman would never be a c-section candidate.   I now know better.  And I now know that it is important to be flexible and accommodating during birth.  Learning I’d most likely be induced was a bit of a surprise, but it might not be the last surprise of Baby Friedman’s birth story.  

                Baby Friedman’s birth will be my first test to see how well I can uphold my New Year’s resolution.  I am ready for the challenge.  I’ve got my birthing game face on.  The car seat is installed.  Bags are packed (well, almost).  Liam has been asking to see his baby sister.  Last thing to do - have my wonderful husband do some baby and labor reading cram sessions since he’s been slacking.