29 years...A Few Reflections

I turned 29 this past Friday - thought I'd share some thoughts as I become (hopefully) wiser!

1.) Being a mom has aged me.  I'm shocked that I am 29.  I feel like I've been in my thirties for years.  So, yes, being a parent ages you. People should not have kids unless they are completely okay with gaining some wrinkles and gray hairs.

2.) Surprise gifts are overrated.  For my birthday this year (and for mother's day and for Hanukkah last year), I started to give myself gifts "from" Joe.  I'm not saying I don't appreciate surprises because I do, but I know how crazy busy Joe is and finding the time to go out and get me a gift is just another thing on his to-do list. (He's never put it that way, but the man's spare time is spent with our kiddos.) So I get myself something and let him know the gift he's giving me.  It's a win, win situation.

3.) "It's easy to be heavy, hard to be light" - G.K. Chesterton.  I love this quote and try to remind myself of this daily.  As the momma of the Friedman household, I have a huge influence over the general state of happiness in our home.  Mothers have the power to make the home a happy place just through their own attitude.  I try to keep this in mind on the days I am being short or am irritated with Liam because he is asking me for a cookie at breakfast for the tenth time.

4.) The adage "the days are long, but the years are short" has gotten me through many tantrums, many kitchen clean ups, and many sleepless nights nursing my children back to sleep.

5.) Organization and knowing where shit is rocks!  I've always struggled with organization.  And I used to tell myself and others that being disorganized was a part of me. I was just not cut out to be the organized, paper filing, compartment making person.  But over the past two years, I've made a concerted effort to organize our lives.  I have file boxes for the kids' important papers, file boxes for Joe and me, and I've brought order to the chaos of family life and I LOVE it.  I am no longer a disorganized person.  Just because organization doesn't come naturally to me doesn't mean I can't be organized.

6.) The most precious time, is family time.  I work hard to make sure that our weekends are fun and filled with plenty of family orientated activities.  I am not always in the mood to make pancakes and eggs on Saturday mornings, but Joe and Liam love it.  It's so much more exciting than a cold bowl of cereal.  On Sundays Joe and I would love to just veg out all day and read the Sunday paper, but Liam and Marlo need our attention.  So we're usually at the park by 9 am or washing the cars (because Liam is obsessed with cars) or making a day trip to Los Angeles to visit the grandparents.   

7.) Lastly, make the effort to record memories.  Liam loves to go through baby pictures and watch our family videos.  It takes time and energy to remember the camera and to make the photo album, but it's one of the best ways for children to remember the good times!  And Joe and I love going through pictures and videos too.  As the daughter of a photographer, I have always known the value of pictures and the stories they tell and retell over the years.

Friedman Family Vacation 2010

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Ten Lessons I Learned from my Mother

Frequently, I am surprised by how often I ask myself, “What would my mother do?”  I am almost thirty years old and I still want my mother’s approval.  I care deeply about her opinion.  Part of this stems from our closeness.  We talk every day.  Sometimes we talk multiple times a day.  She is one of my closest friends.  I absolutely adore her and am grateful beyond words for her friendship.  I know many mothers and daughters do not have this kind of close relationship so I know how special this is.

I had an interesting thought the other day.  I began to wonder what things Marlo would do just because I told her that it was the best way to do something.  Would Marlo seek my approval like I seek my mother’s approval?  

Just to be clear about the ways in which my mother has influenced my day to day life, I will share a few lessons I learned from my mother.

       1.)  One day out in the sun is one year of aging to your skin.  I have no idea if this is true, but I wear sunscreen religiously and lather my children and Joe in it.  (Let me emphasize that the evil from the sun, according to my mother, is wrinkling, not melanoma.)

       

        2.) Tall, thin women with curly hair, should never cut their hair short. I made the mistake one time of cutting my hair short and I have never heard the end of it.  My mother refers to that time of my life as "that time I had that stupid hair."  Usually, there is a little rant that proceeds this about how she'll never understand why I did such an awful thing to myself.  My mother often reminds me that a tall, thin woman with short, curly hair looks like a Q-Tip.

       

      3.) Never Wear Horizontal Stripes: Horizontal stripes make your rear-end look large and visually widen you.  I can't tell you how many striped sweaters I've overlooked just because my mother always told me never to wear horizontal stripes.  The truth - I like stripes. I think people look good in stripes.  I have tons of girlfriends who wear stripes and I never think they look bigger.  The few things I have with stripes are subtle; the stripes are so small you don't even see the pattern from afar.

     

      4.) Pretty girls don't need to wear patterns.  My mother always told me that if you have a pretty face, you don't need to worry about wearing something that is distracting or has a lot going on.  My mother always told me I was pretty so I could dress simply and still be stunning.  To this day, I feel strange if I buy a dress with a pattern.  I stick to solids and neutral, earth colors that go with everything.  But I often see women wearing bright colors and bold, beautiful patterns and admire them.  They look fun and adventurous.  My closet says dull, boring - no salt or spice added.  For the past five years for Halloween, I have either been a black cat or a witch becuase I have so much black in my closet those are consistently the go-to costumes.

       

        I'm sure most of my readers know my mother, or at least know that she has been a professional photographer for over 35 years.  Analyzing faces and people is her job.  She can't help but have an opinion, a strong one.  When I was in middle school, I got used to the fact that my mother would pull off the highway to pop a blackhead off my face if she saw one.  I've been critiqued so many times about my clothes or my hair, that I don't even take it personally.  Honestly, I don't.  I know she is giving me her honest, professional opinion.  And if your own mother can't be honest with you, who can?

   

       There are two domestic lessons I learned from my mother: 

        

        5.) Always make your bed. A made bed means order.  Even if it is made 10 minutes before you go to bed, order is brought to your home.

        6.) Fold towels the right way. I have a vague memory of my mother complaining about the fact that my father didn't know how to fold towels correctly.  I made an effort to learn how to fold them.  I suppose I thought arguing over folding towels was silly. 

       I wish this list was longer because my mother is an excellant home maker.  But, at least the beds are made and the towels are folded properly in the Friedman household!

      My favorite lessons I learned from my mother have to do with character. 

      7.)  Be inclusive.   My mother welcomes everyone and anyone into her home.  She never wanted anyone to feel left out.  I always make an effort to include our family and friends in our lives.  Sometimes it's just the invitation and the thought that counts.

      8.) You can always come home.  I showed up at my mom's house 9 months pregnant and utterly alone because I knew that she would be the one person who loved me enough to take me in and support me through a very difficult time in my life.  I hope my children grow up knowing they always have a home with me.  I'm not saying my mother approved of everything I did, but she made it clear that I could tell her anything and didn't need to fear that she would disown me. 

     

     9.) Be good to those you love.  My mother reminds me of how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and two adorable children.  She tells me how important it is to be a good daughter-in-law and add to Joe's family.  To make my mother happy, you just need to put her around the people she loves.  I admire how simple and beautiful this is.  Whenever I'm having a bad day, I try to think about Joe, Liam, and Marlo - my three, precious gifts where there is only love to be found (and a lot of trantrums and diapers.)

     10.) Laugh.  My mother has this wonderful ability to laugh through all avenues of  her life.  A few weeks ago when Liam told me while we were in the car that he had to go poopoo and we were no where near a bathroom, I laughed while I held a plastic bag under his little tush on the side of the road.  (Apparently, doing private things on the side of the road seems to run in the family.) 

   And of course, happy Jewish New Year! Shana Tova!  (Mom, if you read this, I know you are written in the  Book of Life and I love you dearly!)

    

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday, I had a nanny for six hours and all I can say is WOW!  My sanity is coming back!  It’s silly that it has taken me this long to finally admit that I need help; I need a break.  I think Wednesday night was my breaking point.  Joe was gone for a business dinner and I was at home with the kids, as usual.  This didn’t bother me too much.  With Joe’s job, I am used to last minute dinners and him telling me that he has to go out of town the night before the flight leaves.  But this past Wednesday was a long day for me.  I couldn’t get Marlo to nap when Liam did so that meant no break for me.  Marlo then had a difficult time going down for the night.  She’s teething so she’s been a bit uncomfortable.   It took an hour for me to finally get her to sleep.

We have been letting Liam fall asleep on a mat in our room and then we move him to his bed after he falls asleep – I know, bad idea, but I’ve yet to write my post on my numerous errors on getting my kids to sleep.   Usually, he is very quiet because he knows that Marlo sleeps in our room, but about ten minutes after I put him down, he started screaming for me.  Marlo woke up and I had the both of them in tears. 

I felt like I was losing it.  I was so angry that Liam woke Marlo up.  I told him that he had no choice but to sleep in his room.  Of course, he was very upset and was screaming and crying from his room while I tried to get Marlo back down.  After I finally got her to sleep, I just didn’t have it in me to put down another crying child.  I sat out in front of Liam’s door for a couple of minutes and listened to him cry.  I don’t know if I was deciding whether or not to go in, or if I was just building up the patience to take on another crying session.  I finally gave into his cries – partly because hearing my boy cry breaks my heart, and partly because I feared his crying would wake Marlo up again.  

As I snuggled my boy to sleep, tears were streaming down my face.  I guess I was just tired from the day.  By then it was 10 p.m.  and I had been with children non-stop since 6 a.m.  When Liam finally fell asleep I knew that I had to get some help from someone.  I need some time for myself during the week.  This is complicated since Marlo still will not take a bottle.  Well, in full disclosure, I just gave up trying to give it to her.  

But, thankfully, a girl friend of mine from the neighborhood told me that her nanny is available on Fridays.  On Thursday I arranged for help on Friday and it was fantastic.  I didn’t leave Marlo with the nanny for the entire time since I still need to nurse her, but I was able to go to Trader Joe’s on my own and finally see a physical therapist for my shoulder.  Next Friday is another round of P.T. and I might even try to see a dentist (I am ashamed and embarrassed how long it’s been since I’ve gone to a dentist.)

I don’t know why I felt so guilty about getting help.  It’s silly really.  Being a stay-at-home mom is still (and I’m sure will always be) a learning process.  But, I now know that I do need a little help during the week and I think I might even try the bottle again.  Who knows? Maybe she’ll dig it now that she’s 7 months.

Plus...one funny Liam conversation:

From the bathroom this morning

Liam: Mom! Come check out my poop!  It looks like like dragon poop!

My immediate thought - what does dragon poop look like? 

New Beginnings

As I sit down to write this post, I am not even sure where to begin.  Where did the path start that led me to Liam’s adoption?  

For those of you that know me well, this post will be a retelling of a story that you’ve heard too many times.  It is a story that you’ve most likely counseled me through, let me cry about, and poured many a glass of wine over.  For those of you that don’t know me well, this story is the single most important experience of my life.  Either way, it is a story about finding love and goodness out of pain and fear.  It is about believing in oneself and searching for light when there seems to only be darkness.   It is has the fairy tale ending that so often does not happen for women in similar situations.

This is going to be a long post, but I promise it will be give you that warm and fuzzy feeling that sometimes everything is just right in the world.

Leaving New York:

I fled as if I was running for my life. 

It was pouring rain at JFK airport that June morning.  My cell phone beamed, signaling to me that I had a new text message.  I reluctantly looked down and read the message: “Did you get to work okay?”

I didn’t even lie.  I just didn’t respond to the text.  I watched the tarmac in fear that I would get caught.  Realistically, I knew that he could not get to me from the tarmac, but I was still scared.  I couldn’t believe that I had almost pulled it off.  I was 9 months pregnant and had no business getting on an airplane, but I knew I had to do it.   

Our relationship went sour to say the least.  We weren't even together when I found out I was pregnant.  I had an abortion scheduled and didn't go through with it.  I am all for a woman's right to choose.  But something didn't feel right about it for me.  I felt like I was too far along and there was something in me that told me to have this baby.  But I knew I couldn't be with this man.  

I packed up my New York City apartment in three days and got on a plane to go back to my family in California in complete secrecy.  My family and a handful of very close friends knew.  I couldn't tell Will, Liam's birth father.  The man scared me.  I actually feared that he would get so mad at me that I would go into labor.  And going into labor in New York I knew I could not do.  Thanks to my mother, I sought out legal advice and found out that if I gave birth in New York, I would need Will's permission to leave the state.  This was mind blowing.  I couldn't believe that for the next 18 years of my life someone could have the power to dictate where my son and I lived.  (I actually had a back up plan if I started feeling any signs of labor in those three days before I boarded the plane - I would take a cab to New Jersey and give birth there.)

Back Home:

I left my life in New York: my job, my apartment, my friends - my entire adult life had been formed in the city and I left it all in fear.  Arriving at my mother's house 9 months pregnant with no job, and health insurance that was ending in a month was a humbling experience.  I focused on giving birth to my baby and made that my sole purpose.  My beautiful boy arrived on July 7, 2009.  He was tiny - 5 lbs. 10 oz, but he was perfect.

Will visited at the hospital when Liam was born.  He was overjoyed about Liam.  There was quite a bit of tension between the two of us since I had left New York without telling him.  But we focused our attention on Liam.  Will visited again when Liam was about a month old and we made arrangements for me to take Liam to New York when he was three months.

I did not have the courage to tell Will that I would never be returning to New York.  He thought that I just wanted to give birth near my mother and that after a few months I would return to New York when I got comfortable with my new role as a mother. 

 Will got difficult to deal with after I filed a paternity suit against him when Liam was about 6 months old.  He thought I was doing this to take his money.  (What money? is the question that popped into my head when this accusation was made.)  I filed the suit so that my son and I would be protected legally.  I also think that after 6 months Will knew I was not going to leave California.  I had accepted a teaching position at a private school in Malibu and was starting my life anew.

Will would make all kinds of threats to scare me and say hurtful things.  He'd say that he would find a way to get Liam back to New York and that I would have to pay for the troubles I caused him.  He also said that Liam was in harms way by staying at my mother's house.  He thought that Liam would have a messed up life if he grew up with a single mom and without his father.  I knew better than to believe him.  His threats had no backing and I had already spoken at length with my attorney about my rights.  But, nonetheless, it was still bothersome.  Although I wanted nothing to do with the man, the sympathetic side of me felt bad for him.  I did make it very difficult for him to see his son.  I can't even imagine what I would do if the situation was reversed.   

Meeting Joe:

Joe and I met on a website for single parents. (Joe has a ten year old daughter, now my stepdaughter, who lives in Philadelphia.)    It was a site for single parents to meet - not just dating, but a site to meet friends and feel a part of a group.  Being a young, single parent can be very isolating and there is a great deal of judgement that goes along with the title, especially for women.

 Joe and I immediately hit it off.  We have the same humor, similar likes in food, and love being parents.  We like to travel, experiment with making home-made cocktails, and both think that The Big Lebowski is one of the greatest movies ever made.  We're very different though.  Joe is the most mellow person I know.  He never raises his voice.  Never seems stressed.  I, on the other hand, tend to wear my emotions a bit on the sleeve.  But we knew pretty shortly after meeting that we had something very special.

I remember the moment I fell in love with Joe.  He asked me if he could take Liam and me on a date to the splash pool at Santa Monica College.  I couldn't believe that a man wanted to take my son along on a date.  What a keeper!

Marriage, Marlo, and the Adoption:

Joe asked me to marry him at Calcareous Winery on July 7, 2010, Liam's first birthday.  Wedding planning was actually pretty easy.  Since I had a baby, I felt like the biggest and most memorable moment of my life already occurred.  Not that our wedding day was not one of the most special days of my life, but the birth of a child is always bigger than the wedding day.  Joe and I both wanted to have a baby pretty soon after we got married so we decided to start trying a few months before the wedding since we assumed that it would take a few tries.  Of course, we get pregnant the first time around. So, I was almost 5 months pregnant with Marlo on our wedding day.  (Luckily, I fit into my dress.)  We didn't get to have a honeymoon. I hope one day we will take it, even if it's when I'm 65 and wrinkly, I want that honeymoon.

The day after we got married, Joe told me that he wanted to get the adoption done asap.  We knew we wanted Joe to adopt Liam, but had to wait until we were married.  The hardest part of the adoption process was that Will had moved and I had no contact information for him.  Thankfully, I had his parents' address and they were able to forward our request that he give up his parental rights voluntarily.  My attorney said this was the fastest way to get the adoption done.  We had pretty good grounds for getting his parental rights taken away since he hadn't seen Liam or made contact with him for over two years and had not paid child support for over a year.  But this was Plan B if he didn't give up the rights on his own. 

Will gave up his parental rights under the condition that I forgive all back child support pay that he owed me.  Joe and I didn't want a red cent from the man.  We just wanted Joe is be his father, legally.  We agreed to the condition and got our court date!

Adoption Day and the future:
The adoption itself was short.  The judge asked us a few questions, told some jokes, and looked over the recommendation letters our friends wrote.  For Joe and me, the adoption gave us a huge sense of relief.  God forbid anything ever happen to me, we need to know that Liam will always be with Joe, his father.  We are also relieved that we'll never have to worry about Liam's birth father trying to come back into Liam's life years after ignoring him.  If his birth father was a man I thought would add to Liam's life, I would have welcomed him and his participation in Liam's life.  Without going into too much detail, I will just leave it as this -  Liam is so much better off with just having Joe as his father.  

We will celebrate August 20th, adoption day, every year.  We always want Liam to know that Joe adopted him.  We're not going to keep any secrets from Liam.  I worry about the day when Liam asks me about his birth father.  I've decided to just say that he was not ready to be a father and that we are so lucky that mommy met a man who wanted to be his father from day one.  I don't want Liam to be ashamed of where he came from or think that he has "bad" genes or anything.

Winning the Lottery:
I honestly feel like I won the lottery of life.  When I showed up at my mom's house just weeks before giving birth, the future was looking dim.  My mom jokes around and says she doesn't care that Joe is Jewish - in her book, he is Jesus Christ. (Side note: The fact that our move-in date to our new home was on Easter Sunday only confirmed this for her.)   My mom definitely sees Joe as my savior.  In many ways, yes, he is.  I would not be living in our beautiful house and be able to stay at home with the kids without Joe.  I would not be able to hear my son's excitement when daddy comes home from work without him.  I would not have my baby girl without him.  But I know that even without Joe, my accomplishments were remarkable.  It was not easy to walk away from my life in New York and know within myself that being a single mom would be better than being in a toxic relationship.  It was not easy to find a full time teaching position within months after moving back to LA and giving birth.  I kept my focus on my son.  I just wanted him to have a good life.  He was what kept me going.

Many thanks:
I have to say that without my family: my mother and my brothers, I would never have been able to make it.  My brother, Bill, was the person who gave me the courage to get on the plane and get the hell out of New York.  I will always remember that phone call when he told me that I just needed to come home - I purchased my plane ticket immediately after that call.  My brother, Chris, was always a supporter of my decision to keep Liam.  He never doubted me and made it clear to me that he was proud of my choice.  I have too many thanks for my mother - I don't know where to begin.  She was my labor coach through Liam's birth, she took morning feedings for me when I was exhausted, she opened up her home to me and my son, she babysat Liam when Joe and I would go out for a date, the list goes on, and on, and on.  She truly is incredible.

And of course, a thank you to Joe.  I could spend forever writing about my thanks to him.  But I will leave it at this.  Joe is the greatest man I have ever met and I still can't believe I got to marry this man!!!  I will spend the rest of my life trying my hardest to be good to him so he knows how grateful I am for everything he has done for me.

I have wanted to write about this for so long, but felt like I needed closure to write about it.  The adoption gave me the closure I needed to tell this story.  And more than anything, this experience has taught me that the universe sure has an interesting way of making things happen.  The traditional road to happiness is not always the one that gets us there!  Thanks for reading and sorry about the length!

Something's Gotta Give

This morning I woke up, looked over at Joe who was playing with Marlo in our bed, and grumbled, "I'm just so tired.  Aren't you exhausted?"  Joe's response, "Yep, but I've been living off of no sleep for 12 years so I've gotten used to it."

I am consistently amazed at how well my husband deals with the little amount of sleep he gets.  And he never complains about it.  And he is never in a bad mood.  I feel like I am always on the verge of passing out from exhaustion and taking deep breathes so I don't lash out at my three year old or husband.  I mean, I don't have a bad temper or anything, but I know that I am a bit more (okay, a lot more) high strung than Joe.  He's the kind of guy you want to be with when there is an earthquake or a building on fire - he is always calm and always knows what to do.  I thank God every day that I got to marry this man.

Our one year anniversary is this Tuesday and when I think about this year, we have done a lot!  In one year we had a baby, moved to a new city, Joe started a new job, we bought a new house, and (as of Monday) we will have gone through and completed an entire adoption.  Phew!  And I can honestly say the key to all of this turning out successfully is that I married the man who has the patience of Job.  I'm pretty sure moving, starting a new job, and having a baby are all on the list of life's most stressful events.  Well, we did all three of these in the same week - no exaggeration here.  We moved and Joe started his new job exactly one week after Marlo was born.

I know I have to learn from example and be more patient, more relaxed, and get less flustered at life's everyday hardships.  Joe can't be the savior every year of our marriage.  I know I need to start small in order to manage this undertaking.  So, I have decided to commit to the following three thing:

1.) Stop sending guilt ridden texts to my husband while he is working hard at the office to bring home the bacon.  I assume I just need an outlet for my frustrations during the day, but I have gotten into the habit of sending Joe a text to get some anger off my chest.  My latest text was sent yesterday after Liam kept grabbing toys out of Marlo's hand and making her cry.

 Text from Kari: "I am so done with children right now.  Need to figure something out - losing it!!!"
Text back from Joe: "See if you can sell them to help offset the cost of your new iPhone."

If I was Joe, I would have sent a pissy text back saying something about being too busy to deal with it.  But that isn't Joe.  Instead he sends a humorous text back that is just as ridiculous as my text.  I laugh when I read it and am immediately not angry and remember why I love this man so much.

2.) Figure out better systems in our home so my life is not a perpetual state of cleaning and cooking food.     I am not sure how to remedy this.  I would love ideas from other moms about how they keep up their homes.  I've been told to do dinner prep when the kids are napping, do 10 minute family power cleans where everyone pitches in, and I've been told to just hire some more help.  Thoughts out there?  Do I just need to implement better systems at home or do I need to hire some folk?  (As of right now we have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks and Liam is in school from 9-12 five days a week.)  Joe's duties (or duty rather): take out the trash cans on Tuesday night.

3.) Create more time for myself.  I am making a commitment to set up date nights, see my friends, and do the things that make me happy. 

We are starting with one date night a month.  I hope this changes to every other week, but I want this to be a success so we're starting small. I know we can do one date night a month.

I am thrilled that several of my friends are having and have had babies this year.  This will make getting together much easier since we can do kid friendly activities. I am in a new city though and there is that added element of making friends in the OC so I don't always have to trek up to LA to hang with my buds.  It so bizarre to be making friends as an adult.  I feel like that is a challenge that should be limited to your school going years.  But here I am, making new friends.  I've met several gals in my neighborhood that are sweet, funny, and good company.  I am making sure that I get together with these gals sans kids before the summer ends.

Lastly, I want to cut out time in my schedule for yoga and writing.  I used to practice daily and now I probably can't touch my toes - sad.   And I love writing - I just need to set aside the time to do it!

Here's to setting new goals and to keeping them!  Date night is tonight - in-laws are coming down to watch the kiddos!

6 little updates

1. I got an iphone today.  My old phone was an embarrassment not only to me, but my family. 

2. I settled on the SkipHop Versa diaper bag.  I really liked a Timi & Leslie bag (much more pricey), but was not sure if I wanted a cross body strap bag so thought I'd go for the Versa and invest in the Timi & Lesli if we add another Friedman to the crew in the future.

3. I have decided to turn the bonus room off our master bedroom into my private yoga studio & serene writing nook.  Joe rarely uses the space and has an office at work.  I need a space that is for me - a room of her own, if you will.

4. Liam has coined this new phrase and says it when he is upset with me: "I'm naughty about you mommy!!"  (I, of course, make all attempts to stifle my laughter when he says this.)

5. I am counting down the days until Liam's adoption...5 to go!!!!! 

6. I have not forgotten about my promise to write a post about babies sleeping through the night - I just need to work up the courage to write about all my mistakes!!