A few days ago I was chatting with one of the other SAHMs in the neighborhood. She grew up in Orange County and several of her high school friends live in the area. I was saying how nice it must be for her to have so many of her closest friends living near by. My close friends are spread between Los Angeles and New York City. Her response surprised me. She said that out of those close girl friends, she was the only SAHM. Therefore, there were a ton of things she just didn't feel comfortable saying in front of her friends. She said she shares more with me and some of her other mom friends in the neighborhood because we "get" it. It dawned on me that this, too, is true for me.
Even amongst my family, there are just things I know they won't really "get" because they work and I'm at home. For example, if I tell one of the other SAHMs that my house is not only sparkling clean, but I have dinner in the crock pot and it's only 3 pm, they are impressed and giving me the verbal pat on the back that any co-worker would do for a job well done at the office. Those who are not at home during the day might think - wtf?! Big deal - you have ALL DAY to get that stuff done. Why do you want a gold star for doing what you should be doing? But ask any mother/father/caregiver of young children if they accomplish their daily tasks while taking care of the kiddos, and I'm willing to be bet big money on it, their answer would be "no."
Furthermore, being a SAHM can be very isolating if you don't have that network of other STAHMs, especially if your kids are in the baby stage and don't talk. I truly look forward to the afternoons when I take Liam outside to play with his neighborhood buddies. The moms and I talk about our days and we all have very similar days so no one is judgmental or thinking "gosh, must be nice to have the time to take a walk or get your nails done." Because, yes, these are some perks. And there are a ton of perks. I love that I don't have to do my Trader Joe's shopping during evening shopping rush hour like I used to have to do when I worked. And I can take Marlo to P.T. and Liam to swim lessons in the middle of the day and not be a slave to my work schedule.
But there are many more "I want to poke my eye balls out" days than there are "Man, I am rocking this STAHM thing and happily sipping Chardonnay while my children play peacefully in the backyard" days. I have been told by other SAHMs that the "I want to poke my eye balls out" days start to ebb as soon as kids are in elementary school, but then you have homework, the monkey on your back, and that's a drag. So, being at home is one long road...I love in Tina Fey's book Bossypants, there is a chapter that begins like this: "The days are long, the years are short - Stay at Home Moms and Sex Workers." It's true. The days are long. So long sometimes. But just yesterday I was thinking about what we will do for Liam's 4th birthday and I just couldn't believe that I am already four years into this mothering thing. Because the years truly are short. I remember Liam as a baby like it was yesterday - his spaghetti covered face, the silly sound he'd make when he was excited (I would call him the fire breathing dragon when he made this silly sound), the way he looked when he slept and how he slept with his knees tucked under him and his little tush high in the air, the way he'd stand on the couch looking out the window for Joe to come home from work.
So to bring this post full circle, it is a blessing to be home, but it's not work for the weary. And us SAHMs need other SAHMs just like any professional needs other professionals to chat with for feedback, social time, and boss bitching. And it's a real doozie when your boss throws tantrums and there is no HR to step in! Imagine that...
So, to all the stay at home moms out there who have been a support to me: thank you for your friendship, thank you for being my co-workers and confidantes, and thank you for understanding the crust on my pants, the oil in my hair, and the mysterious white stuff on my cheek.
Solidarity!
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