Difficult Conversations

I have been somewhat dreading the conversation with Liam where I explain to him that Joe isn’t his birth father.  There are many reasons why this conversation makes me uncomfortable.  First of all, Joe is Liam’s only daddy.  Liam has no contact with his birth father so Joe is daddy in every way with the exception that they do not share DNA.  But I know that Liam needs to know the truth.  It’s not right to make up lies or be dishonest with someone about something this important.  What if Liam’s father were to pop back into our lives?  Or we may need to contact his father for medical information.  We are currently in the process of having Joe adopt Liam, but this could take awhile.  And I know that my window for explaining the situation to Liam is open now.  

A few weeks ago, on a flight I was taking out to New York City, I sat next to a gentleman who told me about the day he found out that his brother was actually his half-brother.  His brother was quite some years older and it was his wedding day.  His mother pulled him aside and explained to him that his brother would be called by a different last name in the ceremony because he has a different father.  The gentleman said that he was truly hurt by this since he always thought they had the same parents.  He was about 7 years old.  I, too, have a half-brother.  But I never remember being told that we had different fathers.  It was just something that I always knew.   And my brother’s father lived in another state and he didn’t visit much.  So, I must have been told at some point (most likely I was retold at various times).  But I don’t remember being told, and I’ve never had any issues with my brother being my half-brother.  To me he is as much my brother as my other brother who is my full sibling.

I don’t want Liam to remember being told that Joe isn’t his birth father.  I just want it to be something that he has always known.  

So the other day, Liam and I were playing with Marlo.  He asked me if she came out of my tummy.  I said yes (no need to get too detailed here!)  I thought this was a good lead-in to the conversation I have been dreading.  I told Liam that he came out of my tummy, too, and that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby.  I told him that mommy and daddy made Marlo, but mommy and a different man made him.  He got a very concerned look on his face and said, “Mommy, I don’t want a new daddy.”  Immediately, I said that he wasn’t going to get a new daddy and that Joey is his daddy and will always be his daddy, but a different man made him.  He was silent for a moment – either in deep thought or deep confusion (most likely the later.)  He broke his silence with picking up a toy and asking me to play with him.

I know that I will have to make references to this conversation many times in order for the information to settle in and not be forgotten.  I have to admit, though, I hate it.  Liam and Joe love each other so much.  And Joe has been daddy since Liam was about 4 months old.  I wish I could magically make Joe Liam’s birth father.  It would be different if Liam’s birth father was in the picture because then I could explain that he has two daddies.  But Liam doesn’t have two daddies – he has one.

Ugh…tough conversations.  Suggestions?   Words of encouragement?