As I sit down to write this post, I am not even sure where
to begin. Where did the path start that
led me to Liam’s adoption?
For those of you that know me well, this post will be a
retelling of a story that you’ve heard too many times. It is a story that you’ve most likely counseled
me through, let me cry about, and poured many a glass of wine over. For those of you that don’t know me well,
this story is the single most important experience of my life. Either way, it is a story about finding love
and goodness out of pain and fear. It is
about believing in oneself and searching for light when there seems to only be
darkness. It is has the fairy tale ending that so often
does not happen for women in similar situations.
This is going to be a long post, but I promise it will be
give you that warm and fuzzy feeling that sometimes everything is just right in the
world.
Leaving New York:
I fled as if I was running for my life.
It was pouring rain at JFK airport that June morning. My cell phone beamed, signaling to me that I
had a new text message. I reluctantly
looked down and read the message: “Did you get to work okay?”
I didn’t even lie. I
just didn’t respond to the text. I
watched the tarmac in fear that I would get caught. Realistically, I knew that he could not get
to me from the tarmac, but I was still scared.
I couldn’t believe that I had almost pulled it off. I was 9 months pregnant and had no business
getting on an airplane, but I knew I had to do it.
Our relationship went sour to say the least. We weren't even together when I found out I was pregnant. I had an abortion scheduled and didn't go through with it. I am all for a woman's right to choose. But something didn't feel right about it for me. I felt like I was too far along and there was something in me that told me to have this baby. But I knew I couldn't be with this man.
I packed up my New York City apartment in three days and got on a plane to go back to my family in California in complete secrecy. My family and a handful of very close friends knew. I couldn't tell Will, Liam's birth father. The man scared me. I actually feared that he would get so mad at me that I would go into labor. And going into labor in New York I knew I could not do. Thanks to my mother, I sought out legal advice and found out that if I gave birth in New York, I would need Will's permission to leave the state. This was mind blowing. I couldn't believe that for the next 18 years of my life someone could have the power to dictate where my son and I lived. (I actually had a back up plan if I started feeling any signs of labor in those three days before I boarded the plane - I would take a cab to New Jersey and give birth there.)
Back Home:
Back Home:
I left my life in New York: my job, my apartment, my friends - my entire adult life had been formed in the city and I left it all in fear. Arriving at my mother's house 9 months pregnant with no job, and health insurance that was ending in a month was a humbling experience. I focused on giving birth to my baby and made that my sole purpose. My beautiful boy arrived on July 7, 2009. He was tiny - 5 lbs. 10 oz, but he was perfect.
Will visited at the hospital when Liam was born. He was overjoyed about Liam. There was quite a bit of tension between the two of us since I had left New York without telling him. But we focused our attention on Liam. Will visited again when Liam was about a month old and we made arrangements for me to take Liam to New York when he was three months.
I did not have the courage to tell Will that I would never be returning to New York. He thought that I just wanted to give birth near my mother and that after a few months I would return to New York when I got comfortable with my new role as a mother.
Will visited at the hospital when Liam was born. He was overjoyed about Liam. There was quite a bit of tension between the two of us since I had left New York without telling him. But we focused our attention on Liam. Will visited again when Liam was about a month old and we made arrangements for me to take Liam to New York when he was three months.
I did not have the courage to tell Will that I would never be returning to New York. He thought that I just wanted to give birth near my mother and that after a few months I would return to New York when I got comfortable with my new role as a mother.
Will got difficult to deal with after I filed a paternity suit against him when Liam was about 6 months old. He thought I was doing this to take his money. (What money? is the question that popped into my head when this accusation was made.) I filed the suit so that my son and I would be protected legally. I also think that after 6 months Will knew I was not going to leave California. I had accepted a teaching position at a private school in Malibu and was starting my life anew.
Will would make all kinds of threats to scare me and say hurtful things. He'd say that he would find a way to get Liam back to New York and that I would have to pay for the troubles I caused him. He also said that Liam was in harms way by staying at my mother's house. He thought that Liam would have a messed up life if he grew up with a single mom and without his father. I knew better than to believe him. His threats had no backing and I had already spoken at length with my attorney about my rights. But, nonetheless, it was still bothersome. Although I wanted nothing to do with the man, the sympathetic side of me felt bad for him. I did make it very difficult for him to see his son. I can't even imagine what I would do if the situation was reversed.
Meeting Joe:
Joe and I met on a website for single parents. (Joe has a ten year old daughter, now my stepdaughter, who lives in Philadelphia.) It was a site for single parents to meet - not just dating, but a site to meet friends and feel a part of a group. Being a young, single parent can be very isolating and there is a great deal of judgement that goes along with the title, especially for women.
Joe and I immediately hit it off. We have the same humor, similar likes in food, and love being parents. We like to travel, experiment with making home-made cocktails, and both think that The Big Lebowski is one of the greatest movies ever made. We're very different though. Joe is the most mellow person I know. He never raises his voice. Never seems stressed. I, on the other hand, tend to wear my emotions a bit on the sleeve. But we knew pretty shortly after meeting that we had something very special.
I remember the moment I fell in love with Joe. He asked me if he could take Liam and me on a date to the splash pool at Santa Monica College. I couldn't believe that a man wanted to take my son along on a date. What a keeper!
Marriage, Marlo, and the Adoption:
Joe asked me to marry him at Calcareous Winery on July 7, 2010, Liam's first birthday. Wedding planning was actually pretty easy. Since I had a baby, I felt like the biggest and most memorable moment of my life already occurred. Not that our wedding day was not one of the most special days of my life, but the birth of a child is always bigger than the wedding day. Joe and I both wanted to have a baby pretty soon after we got married so we decided to start trying a few months before the wedding since we assumed that it would take a few tries. Of course, we get pregnant the first time around. So, I was almost 5 months pregnant with Marlo on our wedding day. (Luckily, I fit into my dress.) We didn't get to have a honeymoon. I hope one day we will take it, even if it's when I'm 65 and wrinkly, I want that honeymoon.
The day after we got married, Joe told me that he wanted to get the adoption done asap. We knew we wanted Joe to adopt Liam, but had to wait until we were married. The hardest part of the adoption process was that Will had moved and I had no contact information for him. Thankfully, I had his parents' address and they were able to forward our request that he give up his parental rights voluntarily. My attorney said this was the fastest way to get the adoption done. We had pretty good grounds for getting his parental rights taken away since he hadn't seen Liam or made contact with him for over two years and had not paid child support for over a year. But this was Plan B if he didn't give up the rights on his own.
Will gave up his parental rights under the condition that I forgive all back child support pay that he owed me. Joe and I didn't want a red cent from the man. We just wanted Joe is be his father, legally. We agreed to the condition and got our court date!
Adoption Day and the future:
The adoption itself was short. The judge asked us a few questions, told some jokes, and looked over the recommendation letters our friends wrote. For Joe and me, the adoption gave us a huge sense of relief. God forbid anything ever happen to me, we need to know that Liam will always be with Joe, his father. We are also relieved that we'll never have to worry about Liam's birth father trying to come back into Liam's life years after ignoring him. If his birth father was a man I thought would add to Liam's life, I would have welcomed him and his participation in Liam's life. Without going into too much detail, I will just leave it as this - Liam is so much better off with just having Joe as his father.
We will celebrate August 20th, adoption day, every year. We always want Liam to know that Joe adopted him. We're not going to keep any secrets from Liam. I worry about the day when Liam asks me about his birth father. I've decided to just say that he was not ready to be a father and that we are so lucky that mommy met a man who wanted to be his father from day one. I don't want Liam to be ashamed of where he came from or think that he has "bad" genes or anything.
Winning the Lottery:
I honestly feel like I won the lottery of life. When I showed up at my mom's house just weeks before giving birth, the future was looking dim. My mom jokes around and says she doesn't care that Joe is Jewish - in her book, he is Jesus Christ. (Side note: The fact that our move-in date to our new home was on Easter Sunday only confirmed this for her.) My mom definitely sees Joe as my savior. In many ways, yes, he is. I would not be living in our beautiful house and be able to stay at home with the kids without Joe. I would not be able to hear my son's excitement when daddy comes home from work without him. I would not have my baby girl without him. But I know that even without Joe, my accomplishments were remarkable. It was not easy to walk away from my life in New York and know within myself that being a single mom would be better than being in a toxic relationship. It was not easy to find a full time teaching position within months after moving back to LA and giving birth. I kept my focus on my son. I just wanted him to have a good life. He was what kept me going.
Many thanks:
I have to say that without my family: my mother and my brothers, I would never have been able to make it. My brother, Bill, was the person who gave me the courage to get on the plane and get the hell out of New York. I will always remember that phone call when he told me that I just needed to come home - I purchased my plane ticket immediately after that call. My brother, Chris, was always a supporter of my decision to keep Liam. He never doubted me and made it clear to me that he was proud of my choice. I have too many thanks for my mother - I don't know where to begin. She was my labor coach through Liam's birth, she took morning feedings for me when I was exhausted, she opened up her home to me and my son, she babysat Liam when Joe and I would go out for a date, the list goes on, and on, and on. She truly is incredible.
And of course, a thank you to Joe. I could spend forever writing about my thanks to him. But I will leave it at this. Joe is the greatest man I have ever met and I still can't believe I got to marry this man!!! I will spend the rest of my life trying my hardest to be good to him so he knows how grateful I am for everything he has done for me.
I have wanted to write about this for so long, but felt like I needed closure to write about it. The adoption gave me the closure I needed to tell this story. And more than anything, this experience has taught me that the universe sure has an interesting way of making things happen. The traditional road to happiness is not always the one that gets us there! Thanks for reading and sorry about the length!
Will would make all kinds of threats to scare me and say hurtful things. He'd say that he would find a way to get Liam back to New York and that I would have to pay for the troubles I caused him. He also said that Liam was in harms way by staying at my mother's house. He thought that Liam would have a messed up life if he grew up with a single mom and without his father. I knew better than to believe him. His threats had no backing and I had already spoken at length with my attorney about my rights. But, nonetheless, it was still bothersome. Although I wanted nothing to do with the man, the sympathetic side of me felt bad for him. I did make it very difficult for him to see his son. I can't even imagine what I would do if the situation was reversed.
Meeting Joe:
Joe and I met on a website for single parents. (Joe has a ten year old daughter, now my stepdaughter, who lives in Philadelphia.) It was a site for single parents to meet - not just dating, but a site to meet friends and feel a part of a group. Being a young, single parent can be very isolating and there is a great deal of judgement that goes along with the title, especially for women.
Joe and I immediately hit it off. We have the same humor, similar likes in food, and love being parents. We like to travel, experiment with making home-made cocktails, and both think that The Big Lebowski is one of the greatest movies ever made. We're very different though. Joe is the most mellow person I know. He never raises his voice. Never seems stressed. I, on the other hand, tend to wear my emotions a bit on the sleeve. But we knew pretty shortly after meeting that we had something very special.
I remember the moment I fell in love with Joe. He asked me if he could take Liam and me on a date to the splash pool at Santa Monica College. I couldn't believe that a man wanted to take my son along on a date. What a keeper!
Marriage, Marlo, and the Adoption:
Joe asked me to marry him at Calcareous Winery on July 7, 2010, Liam's first birthday. Wedding planning was actually pretty easy. Since I had a baby, I felt like the biggest and most memorable moment of my life already occurred. Not that our wedding day was not one of the most special days of my life, but the birth of a child is always bigger than the wedding day. Joe and I both wanted to have a baby pretty soon after we got married so we decided to start trying a few months before the wedding since we assumed that it would take a few tries. Of course, we get pregnant the first time around. So, I was almost 5 months pregnant with Marlo on our wedding day. (Luckily, I fit into my dress.) We didn't get to have a honeymoon. I hope one day we will take it, even if it's when I'm 65 and wrinkly, I want that honeymoon.
The day after we got married, Joe told me that he wanted to get the adoption done asap. We knew we wanted Joe to adopt Liam, but had to wait until we were married. The hardest part of the adoption process was that Will had moved and I had no contact information for him. Thankfully, I had his parents' address and they were able to forward our request that he give up his parental rights voluntarily. My attorney said this was the fastest way to get the adoption done. We had pretty good grounds for getting his parental rights taken away since he hadn't seen Liam or made contact with him for over two years and had not paid child support for over a year. But this was Plan B if he didn't give up the rights on his own.
Will gave up his parental rights under the condition that I forgive all back child support pay that he owed me. Joe and I didn't want a red cent from the man. We just wanted Joe is be his father, legally. We agreed to the condition and got our court date!
Adoption Day and the future:
The adoption itself was short. The judge asked us a few questions, told some jokes, and looked over the recommendation letters our friends wrote. For Joe and me, the adoption gave us a huge sense of relief. God forbid anything ever happen to me, we need to know that Liam will always be with Joe, his father. We are also relieved that we'll never have to worry about Liam's birth father trying to come back into Liam's life years after ignoring him. If his birth father was a man I thought would add to Liam's life, I would have welcomed him and his participation in Liam's life. Without going into too much detail, I will just leave it as this - Liam is so much better off with just having Joe as his father.
We will celebrate August 20th, adoption day, every year. We always want Liam to know that Joe adopted him. We're not going to keep any secrets from Liam. I worry about the day when Liam asks me about his birth father. I've decided to just say that he was not ready to be a father and that we are so lucky that mommy met a man who wanted to be his father from day one. I don't want Liam to be ashamed of where he came from or think that he has "bad" genes or anything.
Winning the Lottery:
I honestly feel like I won the lottery of life. When I showed up at my mom's house just weeks before giving birth, the future was looking dim. My mom jokes around and says she doesn't care that Joe is Jewish - in her book, he is Jesus Christ. (Side note: The fact that our move-in date to our new home was on Easter Sunday only confirmed this for her.) My mom definitely sees Joe as my savior. In many ways, yes, he is. I would not be living in our beautiful house and be able to stay at home with the kids without Joe. I would not be able to hear my son's excitement when daddy comes home from work without him. I would not have my baby girl without him. But I know that even without Joe, my accomplishments were remarkable. It was not easy to walk away from my life in New York and know within myself that being a single mom would be better than being in a toxic relationship. It was not easy to find a full time teaching position within months after moving back to LA and giving birth. I kept my focus on my son. I just wanted him to have a good life. He was what kept me going.
Many thanks:
I have to say that without my family: my mother and my brothers, I would never have been able to make it. My brother, Bill, was the person who gave me the courage to get on the plane and get the hell out of New York. I will always remember that phone call when he told me that I just needed to come home - I purchased my plane ticket immediately after that call. My brother, Chris, was always a supporter of my decision to keep Liam. He never doubted me and made it clear to me that he was proud of my choice. I have too many thanks for my mother - I don't know where to begin. She was my labor coach through Liam's birth, she took morning feedings for me when I was exhausted, she opened up her home to me and my son, she babysat Liam when Joe and I would go out for a date, the list goes on, and on, and on. She truly is incredible.
And of course, a thank you to Joe. I could spend forever writing about my thanks to him. But I will leave it at this. Joe is the greatest man I have ever met and I still can't believe I got to marry this man!!! I will spend the rest of my life trying my hardest to be good to him so he knows how grateful I am for everything he has done for me.
I have wanted to write about this for so long, but felt like I needed closure to write about it. The adoption gave me the closure I needed to tell this story. And more than anything, this experience has taught me that the universe sure has an interesting way of making things happen. The traditional road to happiness is not always the one that gets us there! Thanks for reading and sorry about the length!
I didn't know this story Kari so thanks for sharing.
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